Strength

Very vividly, I remember this one night in my driveway. I was in  high school, standing in front of my parent’s garage, crying my eyes out. I was feeling absolutely awful about something. It was most likely a break-up or something to do with my parents or friends. Funny, how it was so important at the time but the reason is lost on me now.  Anyways, I was sobbing and feeling like giving up on everything. I squeaked out between sobs that I “wasn’t strong enough to do this”.

One of my best friends was with me.

And he said to me, “You ARE strong, Sarah. You are stronger than you know. Just because you can’t see it inside the tornado right now, you ARE strong.”

And I asked him why. He said that was something I would have to believe myself.

Strength, what the hell is it, anyways? I didn’t feel strong at all. I felt incredibly weak.

As time passed, I lived a life I am not particularly proud of. I was easily depressed and crying. Life was up and down and up and down again. I had a hard time dealing with self-harm and I definitely threw myself pity parties. Looking back, I see that I had some reason for being this emotional. I wish I had not been, that I had been strong. But, I didn’t have the skills or people to teach me how to deal with tragedy. And tragedy is relative.

I have to admit that I was too quick to give up too many times. I was one to run away from the stress and pain. I threw inanimate objects in moments of frustration and lack of control. I took anger and sadness out on every body as I constantly acted like a frightened animal caught in a trap. I kept saying to myself that this needs to change, it really needed to change! But I didn’t have the skills or experience or people to help me and it was a long time before I realized that I needed to be my own hero.

Strength. What the hell is it?

My partner deployed this weekend.

It is a feeling that is quite like a punch in the gut. Or like someone is slowly clawing out chunks of your heart and you are trying to hold them in.

But, despite the fact that the love of my life has just been sent to a war zone with no promise of contact, no routine, no chance of simply calling her to comfort me (she is my rock)….I am taking this quite well.

I sobbed a good 5 minutes driving down the H1….and then decided, with a little help from my friends, to pick myself up and move on. I made the decision that I could not let the negative bullshit win. I could not dwell, allow myself to suffer, or throw myself pity parties.

I needed to be strong. For my partner, yes. Stolen phone calls and skype dates are not meant to be spent sobbing and bitching and turning fear into anger.

I needed to be strong for myself. I needed to focus on the positive to keep myself going every day. I need to teach kids, pay bills, feed and walk the dogs, communicate home, be a rock for my partner…..and damnit, I deserve to enjoy this life, despite this speed bump.

But why was it so much easier this time? Things like this would have torn me apart a few years ago. But I was going through a lot then. Learning to be alone and not knowing how to be. Coming out and being rejected by everyone, even my church. Having my parents kick me out. Losing my first love to her cheating on me and leaving me behind. I mean, it sucked….and I was stuck as a minor in a crap situation and no support. So maybe strength is about your surroundings.

In college, I went through LDAC. This is a month of ROTC training that is kind of like bootcamp for future officers/an evaluation system in combat and leadership skills. In 2010, Kelsey shipped out to Ft. Lewis only to be reached by letters.

And I mourned. Literally. My brain kept saying, “dude, she’s in the US, safe and sound, sitting in some tent but safe. She will write you and call you when she can and she will be home in 28 days. This is NOTHING like some people go through.”

But my heart was reacting as if she died. It was REALLY weird. Part of this, I blame on that time of the month, but I sobbed a whole lot. I had BAD anxiety. I barely functioned or thought straight. Part of this problem was also that ALL of my good friends had just moved very far away, family was an 8 hr drive away and we weren’t on good terms, I had no classes and no work…my option was to sit at home and I wasn’t brave or strong enough to suck it up and go try something new.

Then SERE happened. That was 21 somewhat scary days. Absolutely no contact allowed at all and I knew what happened during SERE-C.  I worked a little and had no friends (we had just moved) but I focused on things that made me happy this time. I worked out when I felt sad. I went running every morning. I painted the house. i indulged in silly things like ordering pizza whenever I wanted. I went on road trips. I sucked it up and held it in for 21 days. Not long at all.
I mean, I still cried twice (blaming it on the crimson tide) and I was still kind of checked out and daydreaming a lot but it was BETTER.

Just like my second big break up was better.

So then, what is Strength? Maybe it is an exercised thing. Maybe it takes practice and experience. In fact, as I am writing this, I am seeing that each of those trainings came at the worst possible timing…..which has made this seem better.

Maybe it is mind over matter. Maybe it is ignorance or mind-trickery. I’m not really sure.

I’m not even sure that I am STRONG….but I definitely stronger than before.
I have only let a few tears escape since saying goodbye. I have kept myself busy. I have only been positive on the phone or on text. I am making plans and getting myself out there. I am trying to kick ass.

And when she comes home, I will still be strong, but that is when I will let all the inside out. I will probably cry but I will also be happy.

This is only three months. It is not forever. It is nothing near what people have and will continue to go through.

And I still have the most important thing….love, which is why I really think I am strong. That, and the belief in myself that I can be my own hero. That it is my responsibility and my right. That I will succeed and this will be as positive as it can be despite the suckitude of deployments.

And I will look back and say, “Sarah, you ARE strong. Stronger than you know. And you will only get stronger.”